How To: Survive an Encounter with the March Warden
by AliWag
Summary: In this work, we'll be exploring all the ways to make Haldir twitch, while he falls for an Earthling girl. major:HaldirxOC minor:LegolasxOC
1. Denial and Distraction

Don't review. I don't care what you think. I mean, I _know_ how great I am, I don't need you to _tell_ me. Plus, I don't own anything but a few good books and a ratty pair of tennies, so don't sue me. J. R. R. Tolkin and Tim McGraw get their credit where it's due. Rated M for the fun chapters "ahem-lemons-ahem", which are coming soon to a 'puter near you, but not right now. Oh, and there's gonna be some "corse language."

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**Denial and Distraction:**

"Oh, I was twenty and she was eighteen. We were just about as wild as we were green, in the ways of the world!"

A pale, freckled, lanky teen in a tight tank-top and low ridding jeans was strolling along in the middle of a forest which had many trees which were much too tall to be of the same type which she had been strolling through twenty minuets ago, but she couldn't seem to find the set she was familiar with, no matter which way she went. She was wandering in what she hoped was a straight line, singing. In truth she sang in tune and with a pleasant voice but it had just been another of her many useless talents up until about five minuets ago when her nerves had forcefully shoved out the first songless notes just to fill her ears with something other than unfamiliarity and this forest was nothing but unfamiliar. She had always been a firm believer that change had the possibility to be a good thing, but this wasn't looking like one of those times. Truth be told, she had never been in a forest before. Oh sure, she'd been in woods, there were little patches of wood all around where she'd grown up and there had been some woods in the other states she'd been to, but they had never been -_forests_-, so this was very new for her. She didn't even hear any grackles (Dum-dum-duuuum)! If you've never been to Austin, Texas you can't fully -_comprehend_- the strangitude of this occurrence. They. Are. Like. Everywhere. (Slams hands down on desk to emphasize point) Great herds of them coat the power lines and stuff the trees by the parking lots. They nest in the trees behind everyone's houses; they take liberties with everyone's veggie gardens; they have no qualms about being friends with the plastic owls everyone buys to scare them off. Definitely a case of "whose guarding the guards." (Glares at own plastic inanimate owl, which stares off at nothing as though to mock the narrator) And then there was the air. The temperature of the woods had been an extra crispy ninety-nine degrees but the temperature here couldn't have been more than seventy-five. It smelled funny here, too. Plus the ground was made of nothing but fine lightly colored dirt. There was nothing more than an odd little twig every few steps, smatters of short plants in scattered spots, and an abundance of cute babyish mushrooms clinging to the bottoms of the towering trees like scared children to their all-powerful parents.

"She picked me up in that red rag top, We were free of the folks and hidin' from the cops, On a summer night runnin' all the red lights!"

Our bespectacled and bespeckledgirly was ambling a little more quickly along now that the dark forest seemed to be getting darker even though it still had to be early, because you see, our good little girl had never gone home after dark even though she was seventeen. Yes, she was very worried. She started to sing louder in hopes of being heard. She wasn't -_especially_- naive (Narrator covers snort of laughter with a cough at the blatant un-truth), and she knew that there could very well be crazies out here but she was really worried about the lack of car noises and figured that she might have gotten lost back around the residences. She adamantly was trying to disregard the fact that not only were the plants and dirt alien, the temperature of the funny smelling air had dropped twenty degrees, and there were no nuisance-making birds bitching and bickering, but the hills were -gone-. The land was flat for as far as she could see. There were alarm bells going off in her head, but it wasn't like she could do a damn thing about the situation, because although our melodious heroine didn't know it yet, she had been transported to Middle Earth.

"We parked way out in a clearin' in a grove and the night was hot as a coal burnin' stove. We were cookin' the gas we were had to last!"

At least she seemed to have decent morale. She was gonna need it, because she was really pissing off the March Warden at that moment.

"In the back of that reeeed raaag top  
She said pleeeease DOOON'T stop!"

She pumped a fist and pulled a crudely toothy smile for emphasis.

Heaven help her.


	2. Meetings and Muscle

To all you folks who reviewed: you are Loooosers. All of you. Don't you know that is dangerous to feed the Ego of the AliWag? My parents actually put a sign up on my door when I was eight that said: "Beware the AliWag's Ego! It makes her do stupid things! Do not feed!" right after I-... Uh, _yeah_, you know what, _never mind_. Let's move along, shall we?

Oh yeah! Barbra Neal? (Crosses arms, glares and taps a toe) You _do_ realize that now I _kinda_ _hafta_ say the obligatory "I'm not a kid!" now don'cha? (Seethes)_ Gawd!_ Uhg! _Agh!_ You have any idea how childish that made me sound? Of course you did! You head me say it! Prob'ly did it on purpose din'cha! Sadistic _freak_! Just wallow in my humiliation why don'cha! Watch what you writing from now on, damnit! I do have a reputation to maintain! Sheesh! Don't make me sue you!

And FlammableGirl: you are extra stupid. Because I said so. Why would you read something which you thought was gonna let you down? You confuse me. I don't like to be confused. You should shut up or I might mot be able to write anymore for my brain's befuddlement. Then the world would end.

Haldir had his bow drawn half a moment after he dropped soundlessly down behind her and began in tones which booked no interruption.

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**Meetings and Muscle:**

"You are trespassing on-,"

"Oh my damn!" Was her first reaction, coupled with a swift twirl around to face him.

"Who the hell are you!" Was her second after taking in his geeky tights, what looked like a poorly crafted imitation bow and arrow set, ridiculously long platinum-blond hair, and the weird ear job. This one was obviously of the _Geek_ variety. Not too hard to spot if you knew the season for them, actually. They did tend to be more hermit like, preferring to participate in small groups of their own kind in a strange activity known as "Dungeons and Dragons," where false titles and abilities were assumed and they sat around in a circle. This was carried on for months in periods, before it was begun all over again in a seemingly never ending, pointless, and mind-numbingly boring ritual of masochistic monotony. Annually, they flocked together, made much ado about food and violent sport, wore ceremonial garb, and purchased useless trinkets at "shoppes." This is often enough a time of mating rituals where, once again, false titles, but the titles are those of hierarchy this time, are used. Although Geeks are not dangerous, they do frequently fantasize about violence, which seems to be the primary purpose of the "D&D," but some theorize that it may have some purpose in attracting a mate, that the prowess in the ritual perhaps displays superiority over potential rivals for a mate, but some argue that so useless a skill couldn't have any baring on the virility of a male and that such pansy-ish inactivity may perhaps hint at a lacking in cert-. (channel changes)

A muscle in his jaw twitched and his eyes narrowed.

"I am Haldir, Marchwarden of the Galadhrim of Lorien. You are going to be taken forth to our Lady-"

"Wow, gee, thanks Renaissance Festival Dood! You have no idea how _creepy_ it is out here! I'm so glad somebody _finally_- !"

And an arrow whizzed a quarter of an inch from her ear. After a moment of silence Haldir assumed she had finally gotten the message that -_he-_ was the one who would be doing the talking, and so-

"Do you have any idea how dangerous that just was?" She scolded, "You could have _skewered_ me! What, are you _crazy_ or something? Are you _retarded_? Don't play around with stuff like _that_! Just who the _hell_ d'you think you are! Why, I oughta-!"

"This has already been explained to you, human! Now be _silent_!" He snarled. He could hear his brothers snickering up in the trees above him and he made a mental note to give them orders for something strenuous and disgusting and perhaps mildly demeaning once they returned to the city. He fully realized that he needed to calm down, though. Having a shouting match with his new charge wasn't going to do him any good and it certainly wasn't going to do anything for his image. No slip of a human girl was going to embarrass him before his brothers! He was going to take charge! (Que Haldir's theme-song and spot light)

"As you seem to have no possessions we will be leaving now. Is that clear? If you give us any more trouble you will be subdued. Do not attempt to escape."

"That sounded rather cool, if he did say so himself," the power-mad jerk face thought smugly. Inner Haldir gave a thumbs up and a big smile in congratulations. "Now, surely, she will cooperate, since she must realize that she has no hope of going counter to me," he thought.

Which was obviously why she was running away. (Theme-song ends sharply)

Actually, she had been in track so she could actually run, but um, yeah, they were like um, actual _elves_ so in about ten seconds she had been lassoed and was flat on her face and in another two seconds she has fully bound, blinded, and in _biiiig_ trouble. In short order she had been hoisted up several feet and was moving in the _same_ direction she had been _running_. Never before had possessing a poor intuition been so humiliating or potentially life threatening.

"Nuts," she thought furiously. "I really should start carrying some mace or a gun or adopt a great dane or something...!"

"A bit late now," that little sarcastic part of her brain mocked, laughing at her pointless train of thought.

"Lemme gooooo! I'm sorry I was on your land," she moaned pitifully.

Seeing as this had no effect she decided to use a different approach.

"The cops are so gonna get you! My mom was expecting me home like, an hour ago! They'll have the dogs out and everything! It'll be an easy trail as I didn't even so much as cross water!"

"I have grown weary of this farce, girl! Be silent; you have no hope of escaping," he stated with the authoritative finality of someone who is used to being right.

"Why does it matter that I was on your land? I was just walking. I didn't deface the property or anything! This is ridiculous!"

She was nearly hysterical, and although the thought that going to pieces at this time wasn't going to help her- she didn't care; she was being _kid_-napped. This was one of those terrible, really horrific, scar you for life, that'll-never-happen-to-me-because-I'm-so-careful things, so she had a right to be almost wetting herself. And the kicker was that although she always known that she should avoid crazies, Renaissance festival attendees had never been on her scary-folks list even though she knew them to be psychos. She was simply _friends_ with too many of them to find them even the_ least _bit intimidating. Damn! The burn of betrayal!

She wiggled and she whined and she cussed in other languages, but nothing seemed to affect them. Eventually they started talking amongst themselves in some funky language she'd never heard before. Maybe it was like, Lithuanian or something. Damn them! Discussing how to cook her and who'd get her liver, right in front of her! She'd sooo be suing for emotional damages. If she lived.

"RELEASE ME, YOU-," She bellowed, but she never got to finish that thought as she was suddenly rendered unconscious.

" Well, she is really very pathetic. Not only has she alerted every creature in the forest to her presence with her songs, she does not even appear to posses a weapon or armor. It is truly a mystery how she ended up so far from other humans without anything. She doesn't even have provisions! "

Haldir glared down at the odd girl an nodded his agreement with Rumil's words. Now that he had leisure to look at her, she was rather pretty and elf-like for a human. Her long dark hair was the color of the northern pines' bark, her skin was as pale and smooth as any elf's though her face and shoulders had a fine smattering of small, light freckles, her frame was taller and more slight than that of most human females though her face was round and filled, her high cheek bones and slim, straight nose gave her an aristocratic appearance, though her tongue would have him believing her to be no more than a barbarian, and when her mouth was not spewing non-sense her lips were beautifully lush and dark and smooth and-

Suddenly there was another girl before them, though this one appeared to be less than half the age of the one they were carrying.

The elves stared at one another for a long andconfused moment and then the child promptly burst into tears and dropped to the floor.

_This _was_not_ going well...


End file.
